The joy of .... call centres

Having just been on hold to my mobile phone provider, the art of good customer service is clearly employing a well spoken woman and asking her to record the following messages.

"Thank you for calling *insert name of company here*
Please ensure you have all the following information we require... if not bugger off until you do.
*reads list of information you need to hand*
*pause*
Oh you've got all of it have you?
Are you SURE ?
We will talk to you in a patronising way and make you feel like a naughty 5 year old if it turns out you don't you know.
Are you willing to take the risk?... well are you?!
*another pause*
Still there?
Well don't say I didn't warn you.
Please hold while one of our highly trained under paid call centre monkeys will rush to your aid... either that or we'll stick you in a queue.
And no moaning at the back there... it's either a queue or we transfer you to a call centre in
Bangalore (happy now Glenn?), where a very polite Indian lady or gentleman will read a series of questions to you off their computer screen. They will continue to read the same question, until you provide an answer they understand well enough to match one of the permitted responses listed on the computer screen in front of them.... if you don't answer the question in the required way.. she/he WILL keep asking it.. over and over ...and over until you cry with frustration and hang up.

Please hold

You will now get a 20 second burst of a relatively recent piece of music, I will then come back on the line to offer an apology, tell you that we are "currently" experiencing a very high number of calls.. This is to:
a) assure you that we are a big company with lots of customers and
b) stress the idea that you've just been unfortunate to call at the one time this week where we've had insuffient staff to answer calls speedily
(despite the fact that we actually play the same message whenever you call because we never have enough staff and you'll always have to queue)
Then you'll get another 20 second burst of music... and another message from me.
This pattern will then continue for the next few minutes / hours depending on how busy we genuinely are.
Hey.. it could be worse...just be thankful that in this case you've managed to find a freephone number to call, most of our lines actually charge you a premium to call us, and we make a profit from you via your phone company for every minute you are on the line to us... yes even while you are in a queue. *manic laughter* *cough* er... But I'd like to assure you again that we are committed to fantastic customer service.
You can't tell but I'm saying all this with a straight face.. I should win an Oscar... I'd like to see Helen Mirren stuck in a booth with a microphone and asked to muster fake sincerity for what I'm being paid.. .

Please hold.

Remember .... if we don't "inadvertently" manage to cut you off just as someone is about to answer.... rest assured that just when your arm has gone to sleep, having been holding the phone to your ear for half the morning/ afternoon/ evening... or better still just as you've taken a bite from your lunch, which you've been eyeing on your desk and regretting not eating before you dialled our number, someone will answer.

Once again...thank you for calling *insert name of company*